Tuesday, August 03, 2004

An apparent Vietnam flashback set in motion a chain-reaction accident Wednesday amid the hoopla of Democrat National Convention, claiming a fatality and sending several people to local hospitals.

Boston Police spokesman Aidan Patrick Callahan Gilhooly said that while the event remains under investigation, it was likely set in motion after nominee John Kerry "snapped" while arriving at the Fleet Center aboard a water taxi decorated as a Vietnam-era Navy swift boat.

"We believe that scene created a rush of emotions that psychologically transported Senator Kerry back to a free-fire zone in the Mekong Delta," said Gilhooly, who also faulted the Democratic National Committee for decoratiing the Charles River with rice paddies.

Unable to locate a 50-caliber machine gun, Kerry grabbed an object on the deck -- apparently mistaking it as a hand grenade -- and hurled it toward the banks, striking the car of Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA). The object was later identified as a medal case belonging to a Kerry shipmate.

Kennedy's Buick then swerved out of control and careened into a the sedan chair of Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), causing minor injuries to four eunuchs. Clinton's chair helicoptered through the air with the Senator inside, eventually colliding with a massive book stack of "My Life," the autobiography of her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

While dazed, Mrs. Clinton was unharmed in the collision. However, the stack collapsed on her husband, who, according to aides, was privately counseling a staff member behind the stack at the time. He is currently being treated at Walter Reed Medical Center for unspecified bite injuries.

Kennedy's car continued to careen out of control, eventually plummeting of the Massachusetts Avenue bridge into the Charles. After swimming to safety, Kennedy made several desperate dives to save the life of passenger Destiny Knobbs, a 23-year old Florida entertainer described by aides as a "longtime Kennedy family friend." Though his efforts to save her were unsuccessful, Kennedy's dives netted four bottles of Chivas Regal.

A Boston EMS Ambulance unit arriving at the scene was also involved in the melee, when it was rear-ended by the speeding Lexus of Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards. He later complained of neck injuries, lupus, chonic fatigue syndrome and unspecified pain and suffering.